| The last thing I ever said had me running in circles..... |
[Jun. 5th, 2005|07:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Lit, "my worst enemy" | ] |
Sometimes I wonder what makes me come back to this thing. Maybe I should have stuck to it, should have tried to make friends, been more open and forthecoming. I really don't know, but I don't regret it. All this time i've been trying to take a back seat to life, it's such a difficult thing to do, but you save face, and you only have one to lose. More people than ever have run in and out of my life within that past few months. A lot of them younger kids at school, and I never really gave a damn about them, golden oppurtunity missed yet again. Every day is a new surprise too, seems like people have a tendency to do a 180 turn on me, getting kinda hard to choose whose worth spending time with. I'm always gonna have a handful of people though, and wow am I grateful. I just wish I had more control in my life and could make more decisions without having to instanly worry about the reprucussions. Work has been draining the life out of me, but it's an accomplished feeling, like your needed. I'm just waiting for the beer gut and baldness to set in, I really feel old nowadays. Going to work five days a week from 8am to 5pm is mid-life crisis material. And whenever I seem to be idle and think too much, I realize that something is missing from my life. I can assume I know what it is, but then again everything just seems to be a quick fix....gives a new meaning to the term "nigga rig." Music is such a great high, gives you a lot of power, which is great since i'm a megalomaniac. Life reminds me of this rubix cube that is just one color, it's just there and so simple when you look at it, but you can't resist turning and flipping sides. You don't have to do anything to it, but since you have the option to change it, maybe, just maybe, you'll find a new point of view that you like more. Just an offer to anyone out there in e-land, ask me something, anything, i'd like to enlighten someone.
I wish I was more than just another shoulder to cry on..... |
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| Damn it feel good to be a gangsta.... |
[Feb. 28th, 2005|05:24 pm] |
I guess I lied when I said I would update more often. Shame on me! Oh well, you still love me right? Thats what you said last night in the back seat.... Man crazy crap been going on, ahh, random! Playing my guitar more often, plus. Didn't get to practice friday, but had a hell of a time. Got me a mohawk, jealous? I like it, I like it a lot. Having fun at all costs! Making money, holding onto it for all i'm worth. I'm being more reckless than ever nowadays, and i'm gonna enjoy it while it lasts. Fuck people that ignore me, fuck the ones that insult me, fuck em for patronizing me, and fuck em for making me feel obligated to say something! Yeah i'm more honest than ever, but it's all fun and games. Until someone loses an eye, then it's....HEY FREE EYEBALL! Yeah well I pretty much forgot anything really signifcant to say, it'll come back, always does.
KISS ME I'VE HAD A RUN IN WITH THE PARANORMAL! |
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| You don't see me |
[Feb. 24th, 2005|07:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | indescribable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 3 Libras, by A Perfect Circle | ] |
Ok people, it's been a while. I'm going to try to update often now though. I will trying to make this an absurdly long post to make up for lost time, so sit back, grab a cold one, and enjoy!
Things are so strange now. I've gone steadily downhill in math and i'm trying to resolve myself to do better. I'm not really sick anymore, which is a plus, because it was holding me back. Waking up at 8AM to go the doctor, going back home, and going back again to the doctor. Waited three hours alone to get a shot, cough medicine, anti-biotics, and sinus medicine. For the hell of it I went to Lake Charles tuesday, I think I hadn't been there in six months. I went alone, kind of cleared my head and relaxed me, long drive. I got to do a little shopping, my usual runs, and stopped by my sisters for a couple hours to see my nephew. I really love Lake Charles, it gives me the best feeling, and I almost decided to go to college there for that fact only. I do think I will end up living there though. My nephew is getting so big! Man I love that kid. In fact, I really enjoy being with my sister and brother-in-law too. They treat me well and don't give me hassles. They're like the perfect parents. I bought a kick ass shirt that I fell in love with as soon as I saw it, not sure why. Well, on another note, I failed math this grade period by one point. Thanks to my character flaw, I had to tell my mom. She did her usual pissed off thing and then went into guilt mode. I tried to be honest with her and blunt as possible, but it never really goes anywhere. Yesterday she decided to tell my father, big mistake. I could hear them in the other room, and I knew what was coming. Sad to say they think I really don't know whats going on and how they talk about me. That was their first mistake, because when they try to be compassionate, I know when it's just hollow words. Back to business, I heard my father open the door, and I just stopped what I was doing and stared at my computer screen, not turning around to look at him. My mom also came in and sat on my bed, apparently trying to be a mediator of some sort, or just look concerned. He did his usual rant, once again saying how everyone was wrong when they said I wouldn't end up failing in school. He's said it for years, so long I can't remember a time when he didn't. He said he knew I would screw up, and that he had been waiting for it, and that i'm a failure. He also made some crude references to other things about me, once again, not the first time. I got up, grabbed my keys and wallet, started putting my shoes on and said "am I going to have to leave?". I got the funniest look from my mom. She put herself between me and the door, told me I wasn't going anywhere in my car. Fair enough. I said I was going for a walk, and she wanted to walk with me. Though it might seem like an act of compassion to most, in reality she was afraid i'd go to our neighbors and tell them what was going on. Whats good for me, is good for them, they only keep me in line so I don't make them look bad. Well I told her "I don't need you to walk". I found this incredibly ironic, if you don't get it, ask me. I went to the one place close enough that I knew would settle my emotions....the barn. I used to always go there as a child, and it served it's purpose that day. It was so calm and peaceful, the atmosphere, that certain smell of hay, the animals. As I walked towards my house "not straight to it, only to go see my uncles horse", I could hear my mom and father arguing outside of my house. I couldn't even see them I was so far away, yet I couldn't escape their words. The horse came straight to me, and I pet it a few times, and it nudged me in acknowledgment. It doensn't seem like much, but it was all I needed. Went back to my house, went straight to my room, and everyone acted like nothing happened. I'm still wondering why I feel like the mature and just one in this situation. I don't think they have much more wisdom that I can benefit from, and i'm certainly more intelligent than they are. As far as I can tell, they're my financial support, and that bothers me. Thats enough for now, I'll let you think what you will, I only ask that you comment.
Thanks in advance |
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| when i come around |
[Feb. 13th, 2005|09:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "sound of me coughing" | ] |
Ever since I came home from brandons, i've been sick. It happens everytime I go to someones house and stay up late. It's an annoying re-occurence. I've been taking meds and trying my damnedest to get better. I just can't shake it, and it's getting in the way of my work. I have difficulty singing, playing, even breathing. This week did go by fast though. We had a great practice. Even though I was disapointed when we tried to record some things, I was glad to get it out of the way and at least try. Pizza hut satisfied me, and it didn't cost me much "cha-ching". The Kitchen is a nice place, i'm going to try and make it more comfortable for all of us. Ironically, after I almost died and started packing my things, I didn't leave... I just stood there in the doorway, and a couple minutes later I was revitalized. We ended up creating something beautiful, out of the blue. I think thats the best way to do it. I'm gonna try to buckle down and work on my instrument, and practice vocals so I can strengthen my voice. A lot should be said, and soon, but I neither have the willpower or the time right now.
I just want to be alone... |
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| Tell myself, this is the last time |
[Feb. 5th, 2005|03:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  complacent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hemorrhage, by Fuel | ] |
Went to the FBLA district conference. Guess what, had fun, placed first in International Business. As of this year i'm two for two. It was an interesting enviroment, and gorged myself on pizza. Last night we got about 10 guys together and we all went to the movies. People are annoying, and the majority were barely teenagers, makes me feel old... Had fun driving to and fro, and went to taco bell also. We all ordered grandees, fun to watch employees haul ass. Strange things did so commence, with the culmnation of Trey puking up 10 tacos. I've never see so much puke, it was strangely beautiful hehe. We jetted to wal-mart and cut up, got steele some eye liner. Made fun of some preppy looking girls cell phone, as steele walks into the girls bathroom. Took him a while to notice, laughs ensued. At Brandons, got the gear into the shed to jam. Played for a good while until the popo was called on us. Fun to answer them back with a mic. After that, and all through it, sort of a blur. Good times, better memories. |
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| Am I really an exception? |
[Jan. 27th, 2005|10:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Distance, by Soilwork | ] |
Went to school, finished the 3 day math test. Had a few laughs at ignorance, wathced a movie on macbeth, intrigued. Hauled ass in my car at work, since the van was with the other guy. Had some more laughs at randomness. Got home, was being lectured, kept walking. PA SYSTEM AND MICS ARRIVED!!! Started opening them right away, it was like fucking x-mas morning. "check check, this thing on?" Oh, and does anyone else like cut themselves an assload of times and then realized it a long time later when they have red smears everywhere? It's kinda starting to piss me off, being that I stain everything I touch. Nope, i'm not taking my medicine like i'm supposed to. Yes, i'm telling my mom I do every night. Gonna try to do a lot of crap this weekend, perhaps melt some eardrums? We'll have to see. So, who's coming with me to prom? Guaranteed service with a smile!
"It's an innie AND an outtie!" |
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| Walk straight with a clear resolution |
[Jan. 25th, 2005|09:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Nerve, by Soilwork | ] |
Let's check the score, ME=1, WORLD=0, "raises middle finger". I passed out not long after coming back from work. Man, I haven't done that in a while. MUST STOP! Work was a bitch today too, crap piled up everywhere I looked! And then the truck with more stuff pulled up... On the upside "some might say flipside" I found out that my co-worker plays halo with some other guys. It really surprised me, since I thought he was just a dumb jock, even though he still kinda is. This weekend my buds from college probably poppin up, maybe give those other guys an ass whoopin halo style! Company van is a deathtrap, bout to put that bitch on pimp my ride. School is still...meh, and Synborski is still a trip. College called me about scholars program while I was sleeping, and I know we had a conversation, just can't remember it. A lot of oppurtunites out there for our band, but not a whole lot of ways to pursue them. Having to juggle everything is started to suck cunt. Don't try to test karma, because it will fucking molest you....in the gooch.
Cat? I'm a kitty cat, and I dance dance dance, and I dance dance dance!
RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOUR A SINNER!!! |
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| If possible, just turn the page |
[Jan. 24th, 2005|04:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | If possible, by Soilwork | ] |
Honestly, I don't know why I find myself updating this thing. Noone really reads it and I don't go back looking at it. I find it kind of pointless since my brain does a decent job of that already. Some things just aren't worth remembering too. Working every day, five days a week, making the green, spending it just as fast. School is really fuckin slow, but math is kickin my ass. I really just want to be done with it, not that I mind goin to school, I just want to do something. I'm getting wanderlust bad, "if you don't know what wanderlust means, go look it up please", and something inside me is scratching the surface. I'm not really sure what to do right now, not much to do I suppose. When I turn 18, going to have to go somewhere, a lot of places, travel, get my feet moving. I'm learning a lot from life in general, getting conditioned from experiences. More than ever I think I know myself. Finding people I have to stop myself form strangling, but also others that interest me. For some reason, that last couple of months has had women being more and more in my life. Not to be sexist or anything, but I get really sick of the fucking mind games that women seem to think will work on me. Ironically, i'm better at it than they are. I guess as long as I keep calling them on it, they'll learn. Anticipating the concert for Soilwork, and praying to the gods that i'll get there.
AND LIFE GOES ON, TERD MONKEYS! |
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| Even though it's close to halloween, glad you took off the mask |
[Oct. 26th, 2004|03:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  devious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Staind, falling down | ] |
This is a repost, hope everyone enjoys it as much as I did! "sarcasm"
I think that I seem to be making your life really stressful right now, and I can see that. I don't want you to have to worry about me, or what I'm thinking. Or what I'm doing. Right now you seem pretty preoccupied with alot of shit in your life, i.e. (school, your band, your thoughts, college) and I don't really know If you want me to fall into all of that. I mean I feel like I'm causing too much stress. I make you afraid because you don't know whats going to happen ect. ect. I mean, I don't really know if this is what you want or need right now. Granted, as much as I may want it. I'm trying to look out for you and your best interest... but I really don't know. Sometimes I think that I'm not worth it to be thought of by you. Let alone have an interest. I feel like I could never equate to have the person you are. I feel like we don't match. And I can't see how you say I could complete you with all the things I have missing. I get really confused by this. Also, I'm just curious as to if you are seeing other people or not. Don't get me wrong, its not like your 'not allowed' to, I'm just wondering. I don't want you to feel tied down if you don't want to. Fuck. I don't know if I'm making any sense in this or not. I don't even know what I am trying to fucking say. I guess what I mean is I'm not perfect. And I'm not a good person. And I'm not gorgeous. And I am not the smartest cookie. I don't know. I just honestly dont understand how you. A person like you, could EVER like me at all? I feel worthless, and that I'd almost bring you down. I don't know. I think you are by far the sweetest, most genuine, most intelligent, most caring, most selfless, and most thoughtful person I have ever met in my life. And last night, I thanked God for that. For the first time in over 7 months, I prayed. I prayed that God finds his way with you and leads you to have the best fucking life someone could ever ask for. And meet the best woman that compliments you in every way. Because you deserve it. And I think the only thing that kept girls from dating you, was due to this wall that you seemed to have put up to everyone to make yourself out to seem like you had a heart of stone. Not capable of anything that ebraces love at all. And for that, I can understand why your so concerned about why your friends think of you as an idiot. They probably all know you as this wall you've created. Parts of me pray that I could be the girl that broke this down and captured your heart. I honestly and truly do. If I could be with anyone forever, it would be with a person with every single quality that you have. You make me think more than anyone. You tell me that I'm beautiful. You tell me that I'm intelligent. And you build me up as opposed to breaking me down. And for that I thank you. I thank you for all the compassion you have showed me for almost an entire year now. I thank you for always being there with a hand, and ready to pick up the peices when I shatter. It never ceases to amaze me when I think about the fact that I met this extraordinary person over the internet. Times like these make me want to pursue a career in opening up my own online dating service. Hahaha. Get that? Yeah it was a joke. Okay anyways. The point is Dustin Fontenot is... I love you. And I am scared. But I trust you. And a person that could make me smile as much as you do, is worth being trusted, and loved, and thensome.
Please dont forget this.
And dont ever forget me.
<3 |
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crimsonblade256's journal
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